it is october the 9th, 2012, and our dearest b^2 member, gina bianchi, is going under the knife today. the endless struggle with her sexuality will finally be relieved by a simple operation that will give her a penis. ~lol jk~ she's actually getting surgery on her wrist because there's a bone where there shouldn't be and she's a badass. i will say that gina and myself have attempted to resolve the issue with slight alcohol consumption and a heavy dictionary. but that story of heroism is for another time. or never.
the point of this blog post is to show our millions of readers how important the little things are. when sexting among each other earlier this morning, b^2 was wishing the best for gina's surgery. and by wishing the best, i mean just wishing we had some nice beverages for the time being. throw us a bone y'all.
mara b: what time's surgery?
gina b: i get there at 11:30 and it starts at 2.
mara b: oh shnap....*schnapps
gina b: i have been fasting since 11. whoops....*whiskey
mara b: atta girl....*gin
gina b: talk to you after....*jager
mara b: talk to you later....*liquor
gina b: this convo made me laugh out loud vocally....*vodka
mara b: haha me too....*tequila
gina b: i wish you could be here....*beer
mara b: i knoww, i'm bummed....*rum
and for the record...we are, in fact, aware that the legal drinking age in the united states is 21 years old. this conversation was all in good, kidding fun. the only thing i drink after 9pm is a warm glass of milk. maybe with a touch of honey if i'm feeling dangerous ;)
stay classy, friends. you all smell like pine needles and have faces like sunshine.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
walmart -gina b
I came to a shocking realization a few hours ago. I couldn't believe it and I really just felt like I needed to share it with all of our readers. (all 3 of you! :/)
I never realized but my trips to Walmart always go the exact same way every time and it's actually pretty impressive. This is my 20 step Walmart Experience.
1) Almost hit 2 pedestrians in the road while trying to find a parking spot.
2) Follow the car with the 89 year-old woman down the first row of spaces where I wait for approximately 7 minutes until another car leaves the handicapped spot.
3) After weaving in and out of every row of spaces, find an open space the farthest away from the store.
4) Vow to just park in the back the next time instead of searching.
5) Unknowingly grab the most fucked up cart they offer.
6) Push fucked up cart and draw as much attention to myself as possible.
7) Run into someone I really don't want to see. (Repeat multiple times)
8) Be a part of a huge cart jam in aisle.
9) Buy something I don't need.
10) Be a part of a huge cart jam in aisle.
11) Enter the slowest cashier's lane despite thinking I picked the fastest line.
12) Move to a faster moving lane.
13) Remember I forgot to get milk and decide it isn't worth it to leave the line.
14) Realize that the new line is worse than the other I originally picked.
15) Contemplate killing myself.
16) Smile extra big and ask the cashier how his/her day is going and then feel nothing but shame when they don't really feel like talking to me.
17) Remember that I forgot at least 3 items that I meant to get as I load groceries.
18) Watch people not push their cart in the cart holders and hope I have enough alcohol at home.
19) Almost hit 2 more pedestrians as I leave parking lot.
20) Vow to never return.
and repeat.
I never realized but my trips to Walmart always go the exact same way every time and it's actually pretty impressive. This is my 20 step Walmart Experience.
1) Almost hit 2 pedestrians in the road while trying to find a parking spot.
2) Follow the car with the 89 year-old woman down the first row of spaces where I wait for approximately 7 minutes until another car leaves the handicapped spot.
3) After weaving in and out of every row of spaces, find an open space the farthest away from the store.
4) Vow to just park in the back the next time instead of searching.
5) Unknowingly grab the most fucked up cart they offer.
6) Push fucked up cart and draw as much attention to myself as possible.
7) Run into someone I really don't want to see. (Repeat multiple times)
8) Be a part of a huge cart jam in aisle.
9) Buy something I don't need.
10) Be a part of a huge cart jam in aisle.
11) Enter the slowest cashier's lane despite thinking I picked the fastest line.
12) Move to a faster moving lane.
13) Remember I forgot to get milk and decide it isn't worth it to leave the line.
14) Realize that the new line is worse than the other I originally picked.
15) Contemplate killing myself.
16) Smile extra big and ask the cashier how his/her day is going and then feel nothing but shame when they don't really feel like talking to me.
17) Remember that I forgot at least 3 items that I meant to get as I load groceries.
18) Watch people not push their cart in the cart holders and hope I have enough alcohol at home.
19) Almost hit 2 more pedestrians as I leave parking lot.
20) Vow to never return.
and repeat.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
failbook -mara b
facebook is a beautiful thing. a technological advance that offers endless opportunity. opportunity for creeping on slam pieces you've never met and probably never will, for once in your life being able to say you have more than 11 friends and pretending like 98% are not purely electronic, and for overall contributing to you accomplishing nothing that night before that huge test and furthermore probably in life. however, i will say facebook sometimes redeems itself. it must get tired of having the burden of publicizing so many ignorant and seemingly illiterate f*cks of our world today. so here i present to you a healthy collage of the intelligents. the elites, if you will. the ones who make facebook worthwhile. the sole reason i get up in the morning (that and a nice glass of perfectly aged scotch on the rocks, amiright or amiright?)
i don't know what else really needs to be said other than the fact that female jenn is going to make a great uncle. to a lucky little boy who will hopefully never meet her/him.
will do! thnx alex! :D
and we thought generations were getting worse? kasey's optimism inspires me to do great things. as long as that is what my taxpayer dollars are going towards. keep us posted, kase. i hope you'll STILL BE LOOKIN HOT AS HELL with a nice dose of herpes and some lesbian prison friends.
his goatee isn't stupid, geri.
yeah james, of course sarah knows who jesus is. don't be so quick to assume.
congrats to you on the new credit card! and congrats to me on all of its information, my new car, a lifetime supply of plan b, and a kilo of cocaine!
thanks for being honest. feel free to not question why you probably have about 0 friends to give you feedback. no regretz <3
Friday, August 10, 2012
b^2 is still alive and well -mara b
don't worry, friends. we have not perished. i'm aware our last post was about 3 months ago, and it just about makes me sick. not a day went by in that time period when i didn't think "oh my shattered ass, i have to blog really ffff soon." so here i sit. on this lovely friday afternoon *cue afternoon delight*. however, on a not delightful note, i have no idea what to write about. until something struck me like a puppy being drop kicked off a bridge (sorry, anchorman references will stop now). i'm ron burgundy?
fans, friends, old men who are currently posing as 14 year-old boys and luring teenage girls to your houses; YOU tell US what to write about. yeah? any takers? we'll of course keep doing our thing and writing about weird shit because well, that's just how we were meant to live our lives. we never said we were role models. but really, if you think we would have an interesting way of seeing something and an entertaining way of writing about it that cums to mind, let us know. we live for your satisfaction. and for bridesmaids.
also. another idea. female fight club.
fans, friends, old men who are currently posing as 14 year-old boys and luring teenage girls to your houses; YOU tell US what to write about. yeah? any takers? we'll of course keep doing our thing and writing about weird shit because well, that's just how we were meant to live our lives. we never said we were role models. but really, if you think we would have an interesting way of seeing something and an entertaining way of writing about it that cums to mind, let us know. we live for your satisfaction. and for bridesmaids.
also. another idea. female fight club.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
like us :/ -gina b
There comes a time in every young blog's existence when an issue must be addressed. This is that time. Welcome. I watch a lot of Dr. Phil so let's just say I'm really good at addressing people in an understanding, warm, and direct way. In this case I am Dr. Phil and Mara B is my wife. I'm blanking on her name right now...Debra? no. But either way she is so supportive. Anyway, here it goes. We are here to get to the truth. We want answers.
WHY DOES NO ONE COMMENT/FOLLOW/LIKE OUR BLOG!? (with the exception of steven. shoutout <3) Even a simple creepy facebook message will suffice. We just want to know if what we do is appreciated and worth the time that we probably have too much of...
The proof is in the pudding, friends (WE KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS). The little statistics that pop up when we log in says there have been over 1,500 views on our page. For the record I don't say the proof is in the pudding. I don't really particularly like that saying, but I am just so frazzled and want comments on our blog that I have resorted to desperate measures. I also don't type in all caps unless I am shouting and crying. In this case, I am doing both. Sure, all caps come off very agressive but if you could see the poor texts b^2 and I send back and forth you would understand our need for followers and support.
I promise we are not so needy (yes we are).
What I am trying to say in a very roundabout way is that if you are reading this, if anyone, anyone at all, is reading this....and you find yourself chuckling...lol'ing, smiling, frowning, hating, literally any emotion at all...we want to know about it. We want to know about it sounds really creepy...it reminds me of that scene in the movie Juno (my dog is named Juno) where the girl at the abortion clinic is like "We want to know about every score and every sore." Mara and I want to know about every time we score from having an awesome post, or when we make you sore...from having so much hatred for all that we do.
So please. Please, please, please, please, please comment/follow/like. We do accept pity comments, words of inspiration, and compliments of how beautiful we are. Mainly the last one.
Over and out.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
the dreamer -mara b
i walk down the streets complimenting everything i pass. i let my hair down and sing into the wind. i post inspirational statuses on facebook the moment i wake up every morning, and not to mention i get hella likes.
i'm kidding. not that i don't throw out a compliment every now and then, or sing, or even appreciate some inspiration, but i'm not quite to that extent. my favorite quote has always been "live well. laugh a lot. lose friends because they think you're weird." that's the quote, right..? for some reason it looks wrong. oh, it's "laugh often", not "laugh a lot". that's awkward. mess up your favorite quote on your blog that SO MANY PEOPLE READ. anyways, i'm kidding again. i am weird, but it hasn't resulted in me legit losing friends yet. i'd say that's a victory in itself. athank you. with that being said, this blog post has a slight to large chance of scaring our readers away. who's excited?!
a couple months ago i woke up from possibly the most vivid dream i have ever had. not only was it vivid, but let's just say it hit pretty high on the 'WTF did i eat before bed last night'-meter. so like any normal person would do, i decided to start a dream book. just lost a reader. whenever i wake up in the morning and i remember parts of my dream from that night, i write it down. and let me tell you, mama has a lot of them.
i've never been much of a "journal-writer", so starting my dream book was almost like a world unknown. actually scratch that, i totally had a diary when i was younger and wrote in it like i was anne frank (except i did not address it as kitty..). we are kind of similar, frank and i. we both went through traumatic events that forever stopped our use of diaries. yes, anne's situation of being captured and eventually killed by the nazis is a little more intense than my brother taking and reading mine, but whatever. the comparison is there if you merely forget the fact that i made one. just lost the entire jewish population following our blog, if one exists. shalom (that's the only word i know, pretend like it means sorry).
anyways, back to my dream book. the point of this blog is to recommend this art form. the art of keeping track of your subconscious mind, looking back on what you thought of at one point, discovering yourself through symbols and reflecting on your true ambitions through what your mind is indirectly telling you. all that being said, i really hope my dreams do not reflect who i truly am and/or will become in the future...otherwise i will most likely spend my years in an asylum with a straight jacket and a very large cell partner named magnolia the wise. another reader bites the dust.
just last month, i was a felon running away from the cops because i didn't order enough food at a taco shop. you know why i like running from the police in my dreams? because i always win. unlike real life...(i'm kidding of course. honorable citizen at your service). a few nights ago i gave my 12-year old sister a fake ID for her birthday, flipped a table at a restaurant because the asian waitress threw my soup at me, and then held hands with ryan gosling and told him that a) he blows up my pinterest wall, but i like it and b) i may or may not have like 250 pictures of him saved on my desktop. yolo. after this my vision went black...stayed black for a while, until a piece of toast appeared. it had arms and legs and a smile. it danced for me. and then vanished. just lost 3 more readers.
yes, my dreams are a bit unrealistic and maybe a little under the normal belt of society. but i won't apologize. i do, however, apologize for those lucky enough to appear in them. because whenever i see you, i will forever think of the super weird or embarrassing thing you said or did in my dream the other night. lolz. so go make a dream book. or don't. but i say do.
thanks for listening, kitty.
mara
i'm kidding. not that i don't throw out a compliment every now and then, or sing, or even appreciate some inspiration, but i'm not quite to that extent. my favorite quote has always been "live well. laugh a lot. lose friends because they think you're weird." that's the quote, right..? for some reason it looks wrong. oh, it's "laugh often", not "laugh a lot". that's awkward. mess up your favorite quote on your blog that SO MANY PEOPLE READ. anyways, i'm kidding again. i am weird, but it hasn't resulted in me legit losing friends yet. i'd say that's a victory in itself. athank you. with that being said, this blog post has a slight to large chance of scaring our readers away. who's excited?!
a couple months ago i woke up from possibly the most vivid dream i have ever had. not only was it vivid, but let's just say it hit pretty high on the 'WTF did i eat before bed last night'-meter. so like any normal person would do, i decided to start a dream book. just lost a reader. whenever i wake up in the morning and i remember parts of my dream from that night, i write it down. and let me tell you, mama has a lot of them.
i've never been much of a "journal-writer", so starting my dream book was almost like a world unknown. actually scratch that, i totally had a diary when i was younger and wrote in it like i was anne frank (except i did not address it as kitty..). we are kind of similar, frank and i. we both went through traumatic events that forever stopped our use of diaries. yes, anne's situation of being captured and eventually killed by the nazis is a little more intense than my brother taking and reading mine, but whatever. the comparison is there if you merely forget the fact that i made one. just lost the entire jewish population following our blog, if one exists. shalom (that's the only word i know, pretend like it means sorry).
anyways, back to my dream book. the point of this blog is to recommend this art form. the art of keeping track of your subconscious mind, looking back on what you thought of at one point, discovering yourself through symbols and reflecting on your true ambitions through what your mind is indirectly telling you. all that being said, i really hope my dreams do not reflect who i truly am and/or will become in the future...otherwise i will most likely spend my years in an asylum with a straight jacket and a very large cell partner named magnolia the wise. another reader bites the dust.
just last month, i was a felon running away from the cops because i didn't order enough food at a taco shop. you know why i like running from the police in my dreams? because i always win. unlike real life...(i'm kidding of course. honorable citizen at your service). a few nights ago i gave my 12-year old sister a fake ID for her birthday, flipped a table at a restaurant because the asian waitress threw my soup at me, and then held hands with ryan gosling and told him that a) he blows up my pinterest wall, but i like it and b) i may or may not have like 250 pictures of him saved on my desktop. yolo. after this my vision went black...stayed black for a while, until a piece of toast appeared. it had arms and legs and a smile. it danced for me. and then vanished. just lost 3 more readers.
yes, my dreams are a bit unrealistic and maybe a little under the normal belt of society. but i won't apologize. i do, however, apologize for those lucky enough to appear in them. because whenever i see you, i will forever think of the super weird or embarrassing thing you said or did in my dream the other night. lolz. so go make a dream book. or don't. but i say do.
thanks for listening, kitty.
mara
Monday, February 6, 2012
asterisk convo #4
G: Emojis are so unclear. I just..it's not right ya know? Not right at all. *crumples paper into ball and tosses it in waste basket. puts head in hands*
M: *sighs and looks down in despair, places hand on shoulder while wrapping fingers over my temples* "Words can only do so much in a time like this."
G: *slowly releases hands from head and turns slowly to look at your face*
M: *assuring tight-lipped smile and a nod* "We'll make it."
G: "I..I..trust you." *forces smile and looks down and back up. this time smile is real*
M: *jolly chuckle* "That's my girl." *touches cheek* "Now who wants to set the table?! Mama will be home soon to make supper."
G: *jumps up with newly found vigor* "I'll grab the silverware if you do the plates!" *runs out of room but stops suddenly in doorway and turns to you* "Thanks, Sandy."
M: *warm giggle and assuring smile* "Of course. I'll be down shortly, sweet child." *you run out, and my face suddenly goes stern and worried. I turn back to the desk, open the drawer, and retrieve the letter from the lieutenant pertaining to the recent passing of your father*
G: "What's taking you so long?!" *chuckles as I call out from the kitchen* "How many place mats should i set down?!" *mind slowly directs to the aroma emerging from the oven. yum*
M: *my internal voice finishes the letter; 'Yours truly, Lieutenant Dan'. I fold the letter back up and set it in the drawer. wipes newly formed tear and sniffles. snaps back to reality and tries to sound like nothing is wrong* "Coming, Gertrude!" *speed walks to the door, stops at the light and turns to look at desk. turns off light, looks down, and closes the door*
G: "…aand the finishing touches." *speaking to self while carefully lighting a candle. turns to you* "Surprise! I know how much you love lavender candles! So does Mama and Papa!" *plops into seat and tosses mixed nut into mouth. notices a peculiar look on your face* "Say…what's going on?"
M: *nervously giggles* "They're--they're lovely, Gertrude.." *sits down, pushes assorted nuts aside and slowly moves hand toward your rested arm on the table* "I want you to know…what I'm about to say…I say with a heavy…heart." *deep inhale*
G: *heart sinks nearly instantly as your hand reaches mine. a sad frown replaces the smile that just moments ago covered my face* "What..what is it, Sandy?" *deep breathing as i look into your eyes* "Tell me."
M: *stares into flickering lavender candle, thinking about that sunny, inappropriately romantic afternoon I spent with your father under the oak tree when your mother was out* "It's--it's nothing, Gertrude." *looks up to meet your gaze and smiles, giving you the false hope you've been given for all of your childhood. f your life* "Let us eat."
M: *sighs and looks down in despair, places hand on shoulder while wrapping fingers over my temples* "Words can only do so much in a time like this."
G: *slowly releases hands from head and turns slowly to look at your face*
M: *assuring tight-lipped smile and a nod* "We'll make it."
G: "I..I..trust you." *forces smile and looks down and back up. this time smile is real*
M: *jolly chuckle* "That's my girl." *touches cheek* "Now who wants to set the table?! Mama will be home soon to make supper."
G: *jumps up with newly found vigor* "I'll grab the silverware if you do the plates!" *runs out of room but stops suddenly in doorway and turns to you* "Thanks, Sandy."
M: *warm giggle and assuring smile* "Of course. I'll be down shortly, sweet child." *you run out, and my face suddenly goes stern and worried. I turn back to the desk, open the drawer, and retrieve the letter from the lieutenant pertaining to the recent passing of your father*
G: "What's taking you so long?!" *chuckles as I call out from the kitchen* "How many place mats should i set down?!" *mind slowly directs to the aroma emerging from the oven. yum*
M: *my internal voice finishes the letter; 'Yours truly, Lieutenant Dan'. I fold the letter back up and set it in the drawer. wipes newly formed tear and sniffles. snaps back to reality and tries to sound like nothing is wrong* "Coming, Gertrude!" *speed walks to the door, stops at the light and turns to look at desk. turns off light, looks down, and closes the door*
G: "…aand the finishing touches." *speaking to self while carefully lighting a candle. turns to you* "Surprise! I know how much you love lavender candles! So does Mama and Papa!" *plops into seat and tosses mixed nut into mouth. notices a peculiar look on your face* "Say…what's going on?"
M: *nervously giggles* "They're--they're lovely, Gertrude.." *sits down, pushes assorted nuts aside and slowly moves hand toward your rested arm on the table* "I want you to know…what I'm about to say…I say with a heavy…heart." *deep inhale*
G: *heart sinks nearly instantly as your hand reaches mine. a sad frown replaces the smile that just moments ago covered my face* "What..what is it, Sandy?" *deep breathing as i look into your eyes* "Tell me."
M: *stares into flickering lavender candle, thinking about that sunny, inappropriately romantic afternoon I spent with your father under the oak tree when your mother was out* "It's--it's nothing, Gertrude." *looks up to meet your gaze and smiles, giving you the false hope you've been given for all of your childhood. f your life* "Let us eat."
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
words -gina b
I have been back in class for 2 days. I am taking 15 credits this semester. I have sat in class for 6 hours. I played temple run on my phone 3.7 of those hours. The rest of the time I spent eavesdropping on everyone around me. Eavesdropping is really easy when no one is talking to you (forever alone). Anyway, during my eavesdropping time, I had a brilliant and monumentally life-changing idea. Instead of just listening, I would start writing down what I hear and then combine them into a beautiful song. Sing to the tune of My Heart Will Go On.
dude...this class is awkward.
i am so hungover,
our professors can't figure out the microphone,
our professors can't figure out the microphone,
why the fuck can't we connect to the internet?!
I have to piss real bad, omg
do, you have, a pencil for me?
you are such a douchebag for real,
I heard this class, posts answers online,
Nevermind, that was not this one,
I am just really high.
this is all I have so far. feel free to add your own lines.
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